I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
