I just threw up on my dentist
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
