In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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