apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
