Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
