I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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