how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
