So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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