I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
