she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My liver just had a heart attack.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
