We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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