If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
