My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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