he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
