if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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