just tell him i said nine months
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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