My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
