Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
