whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
