If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
