I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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