he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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