I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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