I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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