if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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