I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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