shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
