i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
