saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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