my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
