I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
We smell like vodka and hangover
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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