i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
