I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
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