How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
