Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Are we still banned from the library?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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