I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
