I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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