flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
