I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
