seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
