Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
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