2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just googled if crying burns calories
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
