My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
