My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
