Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Sorry about my life...
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
