You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We don't watch enough power rangers
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My breasts were aching with rage.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
