Me. At least after what I've been through.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
