got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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