Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Randomize
