Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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